I made so much progress and now I feel like shit.

I just hate myself so fucking much right now I feel like crawling over to a place where no one will ever find me and just dying. And I was talking to Kelsey today about how I felt like everything is going to be okay and everything is going to work out and it’s true. I feel that way, but it’s so fucking hard getting through this bit here where everything feels like I’m going to fall apart at the seams.

And as I’ve always said and as everyone always says:

I’m not smart enough or funny enough or pretty enough and even though I don’t want to care about that I’m not fucking thin enough and my teeth are fucked up and I don’t have willpower and I’m slow and I lack wit and charm and I am weak and useless and mean and terrible and selfish and I hate me so much I hate me.

And I want people to tell me otherwise but I’m too proud to say: “hey i feel like shit please help me, please tell me I’m not as bad as I think”

but I don’t want validation i want to know that all on my own i don’t want to need someone else to feel good about myself 

i want i want i want

I decided to write this one out, just because I need to put it out there somehow. 

Today was really hard. I got up, got dressed (felt frumpy all day but I was comfortable) went to school and sat down and did work. In my own opinion it wasn’t good work, but I did something instead of trolling the internet all day. I thought I was doing okay, mentally. I thought I was fine. 

Eleven thirty rolled around and I felt sick because I was so hungry and I had no way to get food because my family is broke right now. Literally eating the same leftovers for an entire week broke. I don’t know where the money is going but it’s going somewhere.

And then there was this club fair at school and the music was blaring over the West Wing and it was Chris Brown and I’m just so disgusted with him and tbh it might have triggered me…if that’s how triggering works. How can someone who did something so awful could be so revered and wanted while so many people who try to do the best of things are shunned and mocked?

I got my food. Luckily, and I did feel a bit better. I went to class and shit made sense. But then I went to Amy’s basketball game. And after that we picked up her Viola from her after school program. And it hit me. She has a sport now, and an instrument and she just did this great science project. And my parents were all on board with it. To her credit, she always takes the leap and says she wants to do it. She never feels guilty or is discouraged if they tell her it’s inconvenient to them. 

But I always did. And what do I have to show for it? A few plays, one year of tennis and a shitty high school transcript? We’re not even going to talk about my transcript from LasPo because that sends me into a downward spiral. 

It’s hard to carry on when it feels like everything you work hard for isn’t going to get you anywhere. And I resent myself, so this is nothing new. There’s no new burning rage at myself because I live with that everyday. But what’s new is this deep seeded acidic anger I have toward my parents.

There are worse parents out there. There is no doubt about that. I’m fortunate enough to have both of mine still in my life (regardless of blood ties on my dad’s part) and a kind step-father as well. I love them so much. But I feel as if, as usual, I was forgotten in the flurry of things.

Maybe it’s because I don’t say anything, maybe it’s because I put up a good front that everything is A-OK but no one seems to consider the fact that I am doing nothing that I love at the moment. That everyone has their one little thing and I have nothing but what I’m “supposed” to be doing. I can get over not having a car. Sure they put me in a position where it’s damn near impossible for me to get a job and I have to wait and depend on everything they do, but it’s not like I go without meals or I don’t get what I need. 

But that’s the problem, isn’t it? My entire life revolves around them and what they’re doing and whether or not they can drive me and whether or not they make me feel guilty about it and it always has. I never did anything outside of school besides the plays and even then there was grumbling about how shitty it was for them to get me during tech weeks and how abhorring it was that I wanted to go to Cast Parties after every show. 

I have always felt like a burden. And whether or not they meant to they only reinforced it. So tonight, like every other night I’ll sit in my room watching movies — not because I want to be alone or because I don’t want their company but because I feel like I’m not wanted here. 

It’s hard enough feeling like a stranger everywhere I go — it’s unbearable unwanted in my own home. 

I haven’t been able to shoot a video. Everyone’s been home and up my ass — not to mention I’ve been buried in balancing school work, sleep and watching the West Wing to give myself some time to wind down.

A video will be up Friday, that much is sure but we’ll see about Thursday.

I haven’t given up on these — but I just haven’t had time as of late.

It’s lonely.

Being the only one up at night.

You can sort of feel the emptiness around you.

It’s a little nice sometimes, but most of the time it’s bleak and boring.

Maybe I’m not an introvert.

Maybe I just like coming into close contact with tolerable people.

Hah.

I should not be writing this really. 

Confessions Day 3 will probably be tomorrow. 

I might do two videos tomorrow. I’ve got two subjects I really want to talk about and they are both too long for one video. 

:) to anyone watching and to myself reading back on this, hope you are feeling alright today.